Grief: I Cried Today

My dad passed away on February 28, 2007. I'll miss him always but the tears come less frequently now. Today I put a Jamey Johnson CD in my car player and was fine until his song, You Should Have Seen it in Color played. The tears started at the line, That's me and Uncle Joe just tryin' to survive... You see, I had an Uncle Joe. He and my dad were orphaned as young boys and they did have to try and survive together. The next line that did me in was, That's me and Grandma in the summer sun...that rose was red and her eyes were blue... Yes, my mom and dad got married in June. She wore a red rose and her eyes were blue.

The tears were pouring down my cheeks now as I tried to navigate around the trucks on Southern California's 605 freeway on my way to make visits to hospice patients.

My dad had a hard life. He was a lonely boy when he joined the Navy and sailed off to WWII. He did have a good life with my mom, and had his own family that was with him when he died, but I still mourn for that little boy that lost his parents so young and always had a big hole in his heart. He grew up in the generation that didn't whine and complain, and he never did, but it still makes me sad to think about how many tough times he had to indure in his life. I wonder if he ever knew that I aspired to be like him in a lot of ways. Probably not. I didn't ever share that with him.

Dreams of La Palma

If I'm really lucky, I wake up in the morning remembering the dream I had during the night. I was lucky this morning. I have some very odd dreams. Last night was a good one.

Dan and I, along with our friends Tom and Amy, traveled with a group of tourists to the country of La Palma. Now, I realize there isn't a country of La Palma, but my country was somewhere in either Eastern Europe or Russia. It was a pretty desolate place and definitely wasn't a first world country.

We arrived in La Palma and Amy and I immediately got separated from the group and began wandering about. Fortunately, the residents of La Palma spoke English. At one point we passed a nail salon and the manicurists tried to coax us in for a pedicure. We didn't have time, though, because we had to find our group. We walked and walked and ended up alone in the countryside. We heard wolves howling nearby and were certain we were going to be eaten alive. We rounded the crest of a hill and met other people who were standing there looking at the wolves. Thankfully, the wolves were on the other side of the fence.

Once we made it back to town, we entered a hotel that had many conference rooms. I heard President Obama speaking but we opened door after door and couldn't find him. We then went back outside as a parade of Orthodox priests filed by. They wore the usual robes and stoles, but their robes were a beautiful ocean blue color. We followed them for awhile thinking they would lead us to President Obama and our tour group, whom we were sure was watching Obama, but we lost the priests.

The dream finally ended with us finding Dan and Tom sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. Dan had already ordered my lunch and it was still sitting there.

End of dream. Crazy, huh?

My Muse Founds Its Way Home

I'm ready. I've got my title. I've got my main character. I've got the setting. Now I just need the time to start writing. I think Karen should hurry up and come back to work so I can cut my hours back down. I'm getting tired.

I don't know where my muse has been, but it's back. Maybe it traveled around the world, but more likely it traveled through California because we've settled on Tehama county for the setting. It's probably been sipping wine at the Vina Monastery.

Tehama Grace is the story of Amelia Grace Jameson, a fourteen year old girl abandoned by her father at the Gerke Ranch in Tehama.

Stay tuned.

My New Diet and Writing Plans

Okay, here we go. This is a little schizophrenic but I just seem to need to have a lot going on in my life. I have a new diet plan. It's very simple and so far it seems to be working. I've lost several pounds. Want to know the plan? Eat anything you want but only eat half. That's it. If I order a meal in a restaurant I take half home. When I cook at home I only serve myself half of what I would in the past. I don't feel the least bit deprived. My goal weight is 145 pounds.

My latest writing venture is Textnovel.com. Since I've been unsuccessful selling Bless Us Father, I've gone the serial route and am posting it on Textnovel. You can either read it on your cell phone or your computer. Pretty cool, huh? Maybe someone will see it, love it, publish it.

I'm also just getting ready to start my next project, TEHAMA GRACE. I've been doing tons and tons of research and am ready to put pen to paper. Well...put fingers to the computer keyboard and tap away.

I'll keep you posted.

Posting an entire book on a blog

I'm wondering about posting an entire book on a blog, chapter by chapter. Has it been done? I have a completed manuscript and am thinking about going for it.

I'm working through my block. My muse hasn't found me yet--probably on a prolonged vacation in Tahiti which is one place I would like to be. I'd love to be lounging on the sand, drinking tropical drinks one by one, and bobbing in the water when I get too warm. Maybe some sun-drenched god-like creature would come by every now and then and rub sunscreen into my already roasted skin. Perhaps someone could fan me every now and then, too.

In the meantime, we just returned from the Harbor Mexican Cafe where you can "sit anywhere you like my friends" and I had a couple of glasses of wine and a chicken tostado. I had a hard day with hospice. The 45 year old man is close to dying but still hasn't gone. I let my guard down today and shed some tears while I was visiting. I don't do that too often. I'm supposed to be strong for the family, but I couldn't help it. They're all so wonderful and loving and I feel so bad for them. My next three visits were okay. One of them, an 87 year old lady, I learned is an RN too, and worked for 50 years in a lot of the same hospitals I've worked in. Small world.

Now it's time for me to sign off so I can recoup for tomorrow whatever lies ahead. I'm formulating my next story while I'm driving around during the day.

Muse! Where are you?

Count your blessings.

I woke up at 5:45 AM, worked out with Al and the "girls", walked the dog, showered and dressed, and drove to the "mandatory meeting" at Kaiser. I'd been able to grab a cup of coffee, nuke some soy bacon, and read a bit of the paper before I drove to work, so I already knew Kaiser was laying off 1800 people in California. 1200 in Northern California, and 600 in Southern. I had a good idea that's what the meeting was about.

I was right. The administration staff announced that positions had to be eliminated due to the lack of growth in membership Kaiser has had since 2005. Three positions in the hospice department were being eliminated. None of them clinical staff. All administrative and support staff. What does this mean to us? The clinical staff will now be working even harder to absorb the duties previously performed by those individuals. And you know what? We're all happy to do it if it means we're still working. We'd already lost about 20 clinical staff earlier in the year. We know the drill. Smile and keep on keeping on.

But what about the 1800 people that are now without jobs? I and those around me left the meeting with a heavy heart knowing there were others that are now with out a job. I hope they all have some sort of a backup plan. I hope their significant others are employed. I hope, I hope, things turn around soon for all of us.

Reality Check

Today I put my hospice nurse hat on and went to work. There's nothing like it for putting your life in perspective. I'm going to stop sniveling now and move on.

My first visit was to a palliative care patient that isn't dying any time soon. I love to visit him. I fill his pill boxes, check his vital signs, talk with the caregiver at the facility, then he and I sit and visit. Today he really wanted to go out for some Jack Daniels even though he hasn't had anything to drink in 9 years and he's 92 years old. We laughed a lot and then he kissed my hand when I had to leave.

My second visit was also to a palliative care patient to change a dressing on her leg wound. It was also a nice visit. She's a pleasant lady with a bit of dementia which gives her a bit of a childlike innocent quality.

Then I made my third visit to a 45 year old man dying of a brain tumor. He's married to a wife who loves him a lot. He has a teenage son and a preteen son who are having problems accepting that Dad is going to die. He's one of 8 kids, and all his brothers and sisters are around the house, too. And his uncle is there. Thank God for the uncle. He's a retired hospice Dr. and he's the glue that is holding the whole family together. He looked really tired today when I was there. I hope he doesn't have to do this much longer. I left that home with a heavy heart and drove back to my own home.

Enough introspection and wallowing in my self pity for having lost my muse. He'll either come back or he won't. I have bigger things to do.

What's a writer to do?

There's much discussion going on among my various writer's groups regarding the current state of publishing. It seems we who have chosen to go the ebook route are still being treated as the "red headed stepchild". We can't join PAN, submitting to RITA is next to impossible, RWA doesn't respect us, etc., etc., etc....

Here's the deal. In order to be a published writer you need to get published. In order to be published you need to be accepted by a publisher/editor. They tell you you need to be published in order for them to consider you. They suggest you get an agent. You query agents. They mostly want writers that have already proven their worth by being published. They suggest you attend conferences and meet other writers, editors, and agents. They suggest you attend classes and learn the craft. Join a critique group. You spend lots and lots of money. You do all of the above and you still can't get published by any of the BIG GUYS. You write your books. Revise your books. Give your books to friends and family to read. Of course they all love them. So, the ebook world opens up and it looks like there's a whole new ball game out there. You submit your previously rejected, many times revised works and Woo Hoo! They accept them and you're now a published author! You promote, promote, promote. It's hard to do and takes a lot of time, but you do it. You sell some books. BUT, you can't sell enough to get into PAN. Then someone tells you that you need to go back to square one. Change your pen name. Disconnect yourself from your ebooks that didn't sell enough to make you respectable. But don't stop writing! Keep on keeping on!

Okay, okay, so I sound a little bitter. It's all part of the "working through my writer's block" process, I guess. Really. I'm almost there. I do think I need to remove myself from my Yahoo groups. It's getting to be a real downer.

Oh yeah, the dog is Willie, my golden retriever and constant companion while I'm working at the computer. He's always right here by my side. Is he my muse?

Searching for my muse

I ran across this logo from Night Owl Romance. They reviewed my ebook, LET THEM EAT CAKE, and chose it as a top pick. My muse was around then.

During my writing hiatus, I've decided to work full time at my other job as a hospice RN. When I began writing, my plan was to replace nursing with writing. I thought I'd be there by now. Maybe I'm not supposed to replace nursing with anything. Maybe I'm supposed to continue my work as a hospice nurse. I did have a good week last week despite the man that chose to misplace his anger at his wife's illness and take it out on me. Boy did he bend my ear! Oh well, the rest of the folks I saw benefitted from my visits. 1 bad one out of 20 isn't so bad.

Back to finding my muse...my thoughts are turning to historical California. I recently finished a book, CALIFORNIA WOMAN by Donald Knapp, and it was full of history about California. It was such fun to read because I've been to all the places he wrote about. I'm especially drawn to Northern California where my mom lives, near Chico. I guess I'll do some more research and see if my muse finds me.

Enough thoughts for today. I'm going out to float on the pool and meditate.

MUSE: MIA

My muse is gone. Packed up and left me. Skeedaddled to who knows where? Will my muse return? Is this just a short vacation or have I been dumped for good?

Okay, my writer friends tell me I just need to write. It doesn't matter what. Journal, write on table cloths in restaurants (well maybe not), somewhere, anywhere. Writers write. That's what we do. So here goes.

Maybe my muse left because I don't know what direction to go in? I really enjoyed writing MEDICINAL REMEDIES, LET THEM EAT CAKE, CORNFLOWER BLUE, and my stories for our Kaiser book, CARING: MAKING A DIFFERENCE ONE STORY AT A TIME. I agonized over BLESS US FATHER and haven't gotten it into print yet. So what next?

I think perhaps I need to go in another direction. I don't like formulaic romances though I certainly enjoy romance in my books. I'm not chic litty. I'm not terribly passionate about telling nursing stories. What did I enjoy the most? LET THEM EAT CAKE. I enjoyed researching the history of France and weaving the romance into it. I had the most fun writing that book.

Hey! Maybe I'm getting somewhere. Okay, enough for today. Are you proud of me Terrill?