GRIEF AND LOSS, 2012

     Blue Boomer is back but she can only stay today. I’d planned on writing a humorous post but yesterday we went to my writer friend, Diane Schochet’s memorial service. It was a lovely tribute to a wonderful and talented woman who will be missed by many. I shed a few more tears, and began thinking back on this past year. 2012 will go down in my memory as a painful year filled with losses.

     I started out in January with a list of goals to accomplish during 2012. In just a couple of weeks everything changed. Diane was going through treatment for multiple myeloma and I was very worried about her. Then Mom got sick. My whole world changed. At first she thought she had the flu but she just got worse and worse, and it turned out to be pancreatic cancer. Mom didn’t live very long after receiving the diagnosis. I went to her home to help my brothers care for her in her final days. Nothing can prepare you for losing your mother. But, it happens to most all of us, so I was expecting it. I began my year of loss with Mom’s death on February 14, 2012.

     What I wasn’t prepared for was how hard it was going to be to help my brothers clear out the house and prepare it for sale. It was torture to go through a lifetime of belongings. Mom had reminders of all who had gone before her and we had to sift through everything. It was such a monumental task that while I was doing it I didn’t suffer much grief. Afterwards, though was very hard. I discovered I also had to grieve the loss of her home where I’d visited 2-3 times a year for over 25 years. I realized I most likely wouldn’t return to the area again. It would just be too painful.

     During this time another very close friend was going through her own battle with cancer. I worried so much about her but deep in my heart I knew she was going to overcome the cancer and win her battle. She has, and will.

     Then my dog died! It was pretty poor planning on his part. He had been a source of comfort to me during this time. He was always by my side and there to pat and hug when I was feeling really down. He was an old dog who’d lived to be older than golden retrievers usually live to be, but still. Poor timing.

     Diane’s death has been the most recent. She died from a brain tumor, and not from the multiple myeloma. Many of my circle of friends and relatives have also suffered major losses this year. I hope 2013 will be better.

     In the meantime, I’ve learned to put one foot in front of the other and go forward. I’ve been trying to fill my life with activities I enjoy. I’m writing more and after the holidays I plan on taking painting classes again. That’s all we can do. Endure. And then eventually the grief will ease and we’ll become more settled. Until the next wave, that is.

     A final thought. One day I was involved in self talk and I put the question out into the universe, “Where does all this end?” A voice said, “With you.” Couldn’t be clearer, could it?